Dear Cornwall, I had a lovely break, visiting you last week, but I would like to make a suggestion for future visits, which is that the weather needs to be better. You look stunning in the sunshine, but low cloud and rain does not suit you at all. Apart from our first day, it rained the whole time and sometimes the cloud was so low that we could only just see the tops of the trees. Luckily I had packed full waterproofs, so I was able to go out without getting drenched to the skin. I hope you do better next time.
Dear weather, This is AUGUST!! Please sort yourself out. We have had more than enough rain – the gardens don’t need it any more and I am sure the farmers have had enough too. There is no danger of us having a drought now, as all the reservoirs are full, so please can you turn the water off and let us have a little warm sunshine.
Dear sign writers, I think I may have seen (but wasn’t able to photograph, sadly) the very worst case of apostrophe misuse that I have ever seen. Outside a bakery, in Cornwall last week, there was a sign advertising the sorts of things they sold – breads, sandwiches, pasties, scones, pastries and… gateaux’s. I think there should be some sort of course you need to go on to learn when apostrophes should, and should not, be used – words which are already plural do NOT need an s on the end, never mind an apostrophe s.
Dear children’s shoe manufacturers, Why do you make shoes that light up round the edges when children walk? It seems a strange concept – the child can’t see it, so who is it for?
Dear birthday, Another one has come and gone – I can’t keep up! Perhaps you could arrange to arrive just once every two years?
Dear traffic cones, I’m wondering if my theory is correct and you take holidays in different parts of the country rather than wait, unused, in some storage facility until you are required for valuable roadwork situations. So often you are seen during the summer, and on holiday weekends, blocking off long sections of the motorways when there is no evidence of any work being done. Do you get any say in where you spend your summers? Currently I believe there are huge numbers of you enjoying some time off in the northern areas of the M6.